


It Looks Ugly But It's Clean

by IneffableTrajectory



Category: Broadchurch
Genre: Child Abuse, Domestic Violence, Eating Disorders, Emetophobia, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Guilt, M/M, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Trauma
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-21
Updated: 2020-04-21
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:28:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23770021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IneffableTrajectory/pseuds/IneffableTrajectory
Summary: He promised he would do better, be better next time so he wouldn't do anything to deserve this again.
Relationships: Paul Coates & Alec Hardy, Paul Coates/Alec Hardy
Comments: 3
Kudos: 37





	1. Hot and Fast and Angry As Can Be

**Author's Note:**

> My timeline and ages are probably all kinds of off, but humor me and go with it, yeah? As always, heed the tags and stay safe ❤
> 
> I feed on comments and kudos and validation, so feel free to leave some if you enjoyed what you read 😬

Hardy shook all over as he cowered on the floor of the hallway. His father had been drinking again and Alec had accidentally finished the rest of the biscuits at tea and due to his selfishness, he was now the unwilling recipient of the man's wrath. His body, and his spirit, went more numb with each blow that connected with his slight frame. He promised he would do better, be better next time so he wouldn't do anything to deserve this again.

He was ten, just a child.

**************

The other man grabbed him roughly by the hair, hauling him into the kitchen from the living room, screaming in his face demanding to know why the kitchen was filthy and why dinner wasn't ready. Alec stumbled against the counter and tried to cover his head and face as his first real boyfriend raised his fist and sunk it into his back and side over and over. It was only 4:00pm and there was one dirty saucer in the sink where Alec had choked down some dry toast earlier in the day, afraid to eat too much and have the other man notice that food was missing. He promised he would do better, be better next time so he wouldn't do anything to deserve this again.

He was seventeen, still a child, trying to be an adult.

***************

He was trying to eat his breakfast quickly, knowing the other's would be here soon, but he wasn't fast enough. Phelps and Hendricks, the two biggest blokes in the class by far, sauntered into the room and started harassing him, calling him scrawny and jabbing at him with their oversized fingers. He snapped and yelled at them, lunging to get by them, but Phelps read his sudden movement as a threat and sucker punched him in the gut. His stomach emptied itself onto the floor between them and Hendricks knee'd him in the jaw in disgust for making a mess of his shoes. He promised he would do better, be better next time so he wouldn't do anything to deserve this again.

He was twenty-two, and in his first year at the Academy.

***************  
It was burned. There was no fixing it. It was nearly the last of their food, and he had ruined it. The toast had charred, the eggs had stuck and now the bacon was so crisp it set the smoke alarm off in their small flat. He didn't get paid for another three days. He shook as he removed the pan from the stove and opened a window, trying in vain to clear the air. Wee Daisy wailed, and Tess followed suit as she went to the nursury. She carried the screaming infant into the kitchen and thrust her into Alec's trembling hands, but not before slapping him, hard, and scolding him for waking her after the difficulties she'd had trying to get her to sleep in the first place. She went to the cabinets and finished off the cereal, leaving him none. He tucked wee Daisy close to his chest, turning his back on her as he tried to comfort his upset child, hoping Tess didn't see the tears rolling down his face. He promised he would do better, be better next time so he wouldn't do anything to deserve this again.

He was twenty-eight and had no idea this was only the beginning.


	2. Oh, Mama Don't Fuss Over Me

"Mr. Hardy, I don't feel like you're taking this very seriously. We told you not to eat or drink within 24 hours of your procedure or you risk aspiration pneumonia or asphyxiation if you vomit while you're sedated. If you don't want to reschedule, you have to sign paperwork saying you know and accept the additional risks. Alright?" The intake nurse was gruff and short with him as she thrust the clipboard at him across her counter. He took it and signed his name, though she'd made him feel like a child and his face reddened as he stood there. He snickered as he wondered to himself if he should even be signing them if he was as stupid as her tone implied. Signing the papers, he excused himself to the restroom where he emptied his body of the tea and half slice of dry toast he'd accidentally eaten this morning. He genuinely had forgotten the no eating or drinking rule and had made himself a cuppa to try and ease his nerves. It wasn't until she said something that he remebered he wasn't supposed to. Shakey hands flushed the toilet and wiped his mouth after. Sliding back into the waiting room he silently hoped no one would notice. He promised he would do better, be better next time so he wouldn't do anything to deserve this again.

He was forty-three and he was alone and terrified.

***************

Then one day, just like that, he was ten, seventeen, twenty-two, twenty-eight, forty-three again, kneeling in front of the toilet, wretching and purging as quietly as he could so Paul wouldn't hear. Dear, dear Paul. He hadn't known when he raised his voice at Alec just how much damage he was about to do. He got back from an errand to find that Alec had eaten a single cupcake from a batch intended for a charity event later in the day. He had fumed and shouted and angrily thrown his hands in the air saying he'd never have time to make more and that he was supposed to have an even number and now Alec had *ruined it*. 

Alec mumbled a halfhearted apology as he swiftly excused himself to the bathroom, barely able to control the bile-tinged shame as it rose in his throat. His belly was on fire, suddenly insistent on expelling the offending foodstuffs. "Getitoutgetitoutgetitout" was all he could think as he dropped to his knees just in time, shuddering as he gagged and stifled a sob, willing himself to be quiet. He flinched when he heard a knock at the door. He had been too quick to excuse himself, too loud, too emotional. He'd been found out. He groaned internally and managed to choke out "Just a mo!" as he wiped his mouth and flushed. He splashed water on his face and opened the door, nearly running over Paul in his panic. 

"I'm so sorry, love, are you ok?" Paul asked, concern evident in his green eyes as he raised his hand to brush Alec's disheveled hair from his face. Alec squeaked and flinched away, face instantly flushing with shame. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to...I just...I didn't mean to ruin it all....I have to go. I'll see you later..." Alec said as he pushed his way past Paul, needing to flee this too small space that closed in on him from all sides and threatened to suffocate him. 

"No, wait!" Paul said as he grabbed Alec's arm, hoping his grasp would be reassuring, not threatening. Alec collapsed under the weight of the implication though, eyes wide and glassy, chest heaving, hands trembling as they defensively covered his sweaty face. He had slid down the wall and curled in on himself, reacting solely off instinct, distantly realizing there was no hope of his rational brain coming back any time soon. He knew better than to cry out though, biting his lip until it bled, willing himself to just. be. quiet.

Because if he was quiet, eventually the threat would dissipate. It would accept his surrender, realize he wasn't worth the fight and move on. But Paul. He wasn't moving on. Wasn't backing away. The space Alec desperately needed was being filled by the threat and it was too much. The air was thin in the hallway now and Alec knew he wouldn't last much longer, not at this rate. He was surprised his pacemaker hadn't already fired off as he grit his teeth and bit into his lip harder.


	3. Open Hand Or Closed Fist Would Be Fine

For as much as Paul already loved Alec, he was a bit slow and not so good at reading him yet. It didn't dawn on him that Alec was well and truly petrified until he stiffened and slid down the wall, throwing his hands over his face as he did so. Paul, not wanting to further alarm him by touching him again, did what he thought would be the next best thing and slowly slid down the wall across from him. He mirrored Alec's posture and lay on the floor, knees bent, legs tucked in front of him. He reached his hand out and stopped halfway to Alec, gently placing it on the floor between them. It was the closest thing to a peace offering he could come up with. 

"Sweetheart?" Paul whispered, the volume not disguising the fear and heartbreak in his voice. "Sweetheart, please, come back. I'm sorry. It's just cupcakes, no one will notice if I'm one short anyway. I'm sorry I overreacted. I didn't mean to scare you..." Alec said nothing but continued to lay on the floor shaking, face hiding behind trembling hands. He heard Alec sniffle and his heart sank to his stomach. Paul knew he had an explosive temper and could get worked up too easily over things; it was one of many reasons alcohol had no business in his system, but this still seemed like an extreme reaction.

As a vicar, he'd had many conversations with many people over the years and he knew that a person didn't get to this point without suffering mental, emotional and probably physical abuse over a long period of time and likely from many different people. He knew now how thin the ice was beneath his feet and he inwardly cursed himself for being so foolish and for not catching it sooner. Really, he never should have yelled at Alec at all, he'd not even mentioned the desserts were for an event later and that they were off limits. How could he expect Alec to follow the rules if he hadn't told him what they even were?

"Alec, sweetheart, I know you probably can't talk right now, and that's ok. But can you at least take my hand? You can squeeze it to answer for now, yeah?" Paul begged and prayed silently that Alec was still present enough to at least do that for him. Slowly, he traded his hands for an arm thrown over his face and extended his hand to the sound of Paul's voice. It felt like he'd used all of the strength left in him to close the gap and reach across the chasm that lay between them. He flinched again when their skin met.

"Good, good, thank you so much, love. Can you move your arm so I can see your face?" Alec paused a moment, considering Paul's gently spoken request. Slowly, he lowered his arm and clamped his eyes shut, chewing his lip and breathing raggedly through his nose. "Thank you, sweetheart. Can I come sit next to you?" he asked, not sure if he wanted to hear the answer. Sure enough, Alec shook his head no. "It's ok, that's ok. You don't have to say yes if you're not comfortable." They stayed on the floor like that for another twenty minutes while Paul whispered reassuring things to Alec in an attempt to help him get his breathing under control and bring him back to him.

Eventually, Alec lowered his arm and released Paul's hand as he pushed himself up to sit against the wall. Paul mirrored him again, stretching his legs out so they ran alongside Alec's. He took a chance and laid his hand on Alec's leg, letting out a sigh of relief when he didn't pull away or flinch. "Can I come sit next to you, love?" Paul asked quietly. "Y-yeah. Yeah, that's fine." Alec replied, not making eye contact, picking at his nails instead. "Can we talk about it, please?"

"No?" Alec asked as he rubbed his neck and looked up at Paul shyly. He let out a heavy sigh before giving in, knowing that Paul was honestly trying to help him, to keep this from happening again. "Yeah. Fine. Sorry. I owe you an explanation..." he said, sliding across the floor to sit shoulder to shoulder with his boyfriend. "No, you don't owe me anything, Alec. If anything, I owe *you* the apology. It was just a cupcake. I shouldn't have flown off the handle like that at you, you didn't deserve that. I've just been so stressed out with having to host this stupid event. Again, you didn't deserve that. Please, when you're ready, forgive me." Paul pleaded. "Aye," Alec said "Aye, 'course I forgive you...'M sorry for losing it. 'M ok though..." He squeezed Paul's hand gently and stood abruptly, not waiting to see if Paul was going to follow him or not. 

He strode to the living room and gathered his coat and keys and phone, still having every intention of leaving. In spite of their conversation, he was still flustered and shaken and he needed fresh air and space to process this in his own time. He opened the front door and immediately wished he'd brought a heavier jacket as the wind drove the rain down in sheets. He'd been so lost in his mind that he didn't even realize it was raining. Reluctantly he closed the door and turned around, leaning back against it momentarily as he gathrred his nerve and quieted his thoughts. He could feel Paul hovering awkwardly in the livingroom behind him and he knew he wasn't happy with the answers he'd given him or the way he'd tried to brush off the entire thing and bail out to be on his own. 

Slowly, he toed off his shoes by the door, removed his keys from his pocket and laid his coat back over the arm chair where he'd discarded it when he'd arrived earlier. He couldn't believe it had only been a few hours since he'd arrived at his to find he was out shopping still. He'd told Alec where the spare key was and told him to go in and make himself comfortable, that he'd be home soon.   
And then Paul got home and immediately knew that Alec had been selfish and greedy and had been understandably angry with him. 

He shuddered as he sat on the couch and picked his nails again, waiting for Paul to criticize him, to chide him for being gluttonous, for not being able to keep his hands to himself. But those things never came. Instead, Paul approached him carefully and then sat, as if he was some sort of frightened, orphaned baby animal, ready to strike out and flee as soon as Paul got too close or moved too fast. A mirthless smile flashed across his face momentarily as he realized that's exactly what he had done when he'd been caught. He panicked and fled and instead of lashing out, had basically blacked out.

"Alec?..." his name had barely left Paul's mouth before he was clinging to him and sobbing, shaking with adrenaline and fear and shame. Paul held him tightly and made shushing noises into his hair as he swiftly retrieved a blanket from the back of the sofa and wrapped it around his slim, shivering frame. "Shh, it's ok, love. You're ok. We're ok. We'll get through it."


	4. But I Want It, It's A Crime

"'M sorry...I just...'M sorry..." Alec choked out against Paul's jumper. It was stained with his tears now, damp and discolored, another thing he'd ruined. "Stop. Stop apologizing. You have nothing to be sorry for. Can you...can you tell me why that happened? Do you know?" Paul asked as he squeezed Alec gently and pulled away from him slightly, reaching up to slowly brush the tears from his strained face.

Alec closed his eyes and took several shaky breaths in an attempt to steel himself against Paul's inevitable rejection. That's how this worked, afterall; he would get too comfortable, too used to being in a space and he would slip up. Then the other person would figure out how flawed he was and they would either leave him, or mock and extort him for it. He didn't take Paul for one that would engage in emotional blackmail, so he would definitely run once Alec shared this part of himself. There was no chance he'd stay, so he didn't even bother entertaining the idea. Nearly fifty years in and no one had stayed yet.

"I-I uh...m-me and food...I um...I don't really...'M used to getting knocked around over it." He rushed the last bit to get it out of the way, to pull the plaster off and be done with it. Inhaling deeply, he avoided Paul's eyes and continued as he picked at his nails again. "My dad used to yell and hit my mum and I when we'd have too much, said he only made so much money. And um...some of my partners, they uh....if I messed up and burned anything and it went to waste, or if I bought too much at the store...they'd um....I'd know I'd done something wrong."

He'd begun to pace now, unable to sit still under Paul's horrified gaze. He just wanted to be anywhere else right now. Another deep breath though and he could be done. He could do this. He could finish and Paul would see his ugliness and failure, his lack of self-control and then Paul would be free to go find himself someone less weighed down with trauma, someone younger that somehow had their shit together better than he did. 'Pathetic old man..' he scoffed at himself as he wore circles in the living room floor.

"When it gets bad, I um. When people yell, I just...I have to get it out of me. That's why I ran out earlier. I had to get it out of me, felt like my insides were boiling. Reminded me how *vile* I am. Can't stand feelin' that way, so..." He hugged his arms around himself as he stopped pacing and dropped his eyes to the floor. His heart was trying to claw it's way out of his chest as fresh tears burned at his aching eyes. Paul sat unmoving on the couch, still gaping at Alec's admission. 

"I hate myself for it. Truly." It was barely more than a whisper and Paul nearly missed it as Alec had seemingly said it to the floor and not to Paul himself. In an instant, white hot rage rose up in Paul. It was anger and it was not righteous. It was sinful and he wanted to personally beat everyone to death that had ever made Alec feel this way. That had made him feel like he somehow didn't deserve one of life's most basic necessities. That had made him feel ashamed for it. 

Cold terror hit him full force as he realized that just an hour ago, he was one of those people. That he had screamed at Alec for eating. That he'd made Alec feel ashamed, and scared and less than over a cupcake. A cupcake. "Fuck." It was the only thing Paul could manage to choke out as his eyes darted to where Alec stood by the window, still shaking and with his arms wrapped around his middle as if trying to hide himself. He flinched at Paul's exclamation and turned away from him. 

It all made sense now though. Alec's reticence at moving forward physically, how he barely saw him in something other than long sleeves. How gaunt he felt in Paul's arms and how sunken and hollow his eyes and cheeks were. He was probably eating just enough to avoid actually falling down and collapsing. He stood up and walked towards Alec, making sure to make plenty of noise as he approached him from behind. 

He could see now that he was closer that he was shaking because he was sobbing noiselessly and his heart broke to think of how many times Alec had had to do this alone. How many other's had been privy to his confession and then left him, leaving him to try and pick up his pieces on his own. 

He didn't know if he could undo the damage that he had done, but unlike everyone before him, he was damn sure going to try.


End file.
